Cast Iron Art
Cast Iron Art
SURVEY: What do you think of this POEM about LIFE and WHY?
This is life, like a giant trilfe, Standing tall like the ifle tower.
So solid or so you would think, but what's the case when your base is jello
That's right kid, the foundation is weak the structure wont last too long
Life isn't a song unsung, its been hymed many a times,
count the number of hymens bust up too
It all equates to the samething, the cycle of life, history repeating itself
No room for debate, what is left to do except waste your energy on hate
You fate was always sealed, cast out written in Iron - check it out - Hadeed
Habibiti, where for art thou ? for I will continue to search till the end of time
My time, my lines, I think I've reached to borderline
The borderland between the fame and going totally insane
Speaking of, where is ankaboot ? Aiming for the loot no doubt
looting and polluting his block shooting down his whole hood
But hey its all good. Life's a betch
Difficult to read for all the spelling errors. I don't know if that was on purpose, but I would advise against it. They really detract from the poem, enough so that I am unable to tell what you actually mean. If you want others to like your work, you have to get the message across to the reader, if the general reader cannot understand where the poem is going, it fails (so many would-be artists, not just poets, fail to realize this). Also important, the flow of the words in rhyme and rhythm, as well as in feeling and theme. If these can't be controlled (not necessarily constant, just controlled), it will continue to be difficult to read.
To me, the last stanza is stands out as having some potential; from "My time..." to "...his whole hood". This section seems to be more natural, not like the first stanza of the poem, which seems forced and flounders in the use of words and phrases not understood by the reader and possibly not understood by the author. The last two lines of the third stanza flow together quite well with an almost natural rap-like cadence, which it looks like the author is trying to achieve throughout.
The second stanza, however, really seems to bring forth the true feeling and theme of the poem. There is a definite sense of a hopeless surrender to destiny and of pointless destruction (which is brought back with Ankaboot's "polluting his block, shooting down his whole hood"). There isn't a natural rhythm to it, but that's only a minor issue if that is your purpose anyway. The issue I see is in the line from "Hadeed..." to "...end of time". It doesn't really fit the rest of the poem. "Wherefore art thou?" is too recognized as a reference to "Romeo and Juliet" and it totally dispells the feelings being built up in the previous few lines. Continuing "to search 'til the end of time" further ruins the mood, making me think that this poem about how disheartened the author is with life is turning into a love story.
There you are, my honest thoughts about the poem. Don't let any criticisms discourage you, but use them to improve your work.
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